"Dear VetWisdomCafe,
I need advice about allowing my preschooler to "be there" when we put our dog to sleep next week. She is very in tuned with what happens to animals since I work in "animal rescue" but I don't want to scare her. She loves our dog sooo much and knows he is very sick. I told her he is dying. Since I am doing the euthanasia at home, I wanted to see if she is too young to witness this.
Thank You,
A Concerned Mom"
Here's how I replied...please add your thoughts and experiences!
Good morning, Concerned Mom,
I'm so sorry to hear of your dog's illness. I understand how hard it is to live with the awareness that you will be losing him soon. I know how many issues and decisions come up during this time. The anxiety and confusion about what to do can truly preoccupy your time and thoughts....I admire your concern for your daughter and your willingness to seek some additional wisdom.
Let me begin by telling you that, like you, I have daughters (both of whom have been present at several pets' euthanasias) and also worked with many, many families with young children when I was the grief counselor at Colorado State's Veterinary Teaching Hospital. So many parents felt the way you do...wanting to protect their children from additional sadness or even trauma, yet instinctively knowing that it just might be more beneficial for children emotionally and intellectually to be part of the saying good-bye process.
Here's what the research from the grief counseling field, as well as clinical experience, has taught me about children and pet loss:
First, as you probably know, pre-schoolers are not yet cognitively developed enough to truly be able process death. They understand people around them feel sad and they can grasp that the pet who has always been there will no longer be physically present. However, they don't really understand that death is permanent or that, eventually, death will come to each of us.
The up side of this developmental stage is that your child will most likely not be "frightened" by the death...she may not personalize it or even connect it to any fear of others dying. Most likely, she will see it as a natural occurrance and may even seem quite curious about it. You, of course, will comfort her and reassure her that this type of death (euthanasia) is only for animals and that all the people who love and surround her are healthy and planning to be with her for many years to come...
The "down" side of the preschooler development stage is that, because preschoolers don't have a complete grasp of language and can't always express what they are feeling, you may see her "acting out" a bit more because she can't really tell you that she's sad or confused about what has happened with her pet. Your daughter may also repeatedly ask when your dog is coming back and she may even get angry with you for not bringing him back to her. This is completely normal and shouldn't be interpretted as her being scared. It just takes patience on your part to continue to explain death as best you can to her and empathize with how much she would like to see her dog again. "I miss him, too. I wish I could bring him back, but that is simply beyond my power..."
As for the actual euthanasia, you certainly know your daughter better than I, Concerned Mom, but simply knowing she has a mother like you leads me to believe that she could benefit from being there. The young children I've worked with do very well being present as long as they have been prepared for what they will see and experience. Before you go much further, please talk with your veterinarian so you understand exactly how he or she will perform the euthanasia. If your vet uses a sensitive, compassionate technique and you feel he or she will be aware of your needs, as well as the medical expertise required, then you may feel quite confident that you and your daughter will be in good hands. If you aren't sure that your veterinarian will be sensitive to the impact of the euthanasia, you may want to explore other options or have a more in-depth conversation with him or her. Be sure your veterinarian is aware that your daughter might be present at the euthanasia.
If you feel good about your vet's techniques (both medical and emotional) describe the plan and steps involved to your daughter and ask her if she would like to draw a picture or have you help her write a note to your dog that she can give him as you say good-bye. Since you are doing the procedure at your home, you also might want to involve her in preparing some sort of memorial that you can either place in the spot where he dies (like a plant or some flowers, a photo, etc.) or in another part of your home...somewhere she feels she can go when she wants to feel close to him again.
The key is preparation, Concerned Mom. As you talk with her about what will happen, if you feel her anxiety escalating or, if she repeatedly says, "no, I don't want to do that," then by all means, don't force her or push her to be part of it. Even young children know their own needs and limits and, as parents, we empower them by allowing them to make choices that are right for them.
Finally, if your daughter is going to be present at the euthanasia, I would encourage you to ask a close friend or relative to be there with you in your home, with the clear role of taking care of your daughter for you when her attention wanes and she moves on to other things. Since preschoolers have short attention spans, she may not wish to remain involved for very long in the good-byes. She may not have as much need as you to sit with your dog and simply spend time with him. However, if you are the only one there to attend to your daughter, you may not get the time you need to say and do what's right for you and your sweet friend.
So, the bottom line is, 1) talk to your veterinarian prior to the procedure so you understand exactly what will occur, 2)prepare your daughter and assess how she reacts to the open choice of being with your dog and, 3) if she's present, ask someone to be there to take care of her, if she needs supervision before you are able to provide it.
I hope this helps, Concerned Mom. If you have further questions, don't hesitate to email again or contact one of the counseling services we have posted on our website (You'll find a list in the Veterinary Wisdom® Support Center on our Pet Parent site). I trust your instincts, Concerned Mom, whatever you decide. My thoughts and heart are with you and your sweet dog.
Warmly, Laurel